just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
wrigley field is MILF paradise
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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