i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
