The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
