you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
