The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
