I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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