i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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