you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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