I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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