I think i peed on brittanys purse
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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