M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
