woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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