my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
