Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
