I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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