woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
