so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Your penis caused this!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
