is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
