Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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