I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
