i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
