I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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