just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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