Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I know her cup size but not her name....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
