There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
