why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
