i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
