I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
