Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
