garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
