I wish I only lived at night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Less talking, more tequila
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
