# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
