So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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