were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
