So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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