It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
