we're making bets on your personal life
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
