my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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