You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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