I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
