I'm gonna have a badass scar
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
