im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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