I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
