there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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