The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
