dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
