you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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