My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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