Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
