just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
