i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
