just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
